THE RESULTS

 Sunday Afternoon 

It’s my chill day although I’m very anxious about the phone call I missed Friday regarding my test results.

I’m extremely nervous about not knowing what my status is.

Monday

Finally the results.

The butterflies. 

The fucking butterflies!

The butterflies in my stomach would not go away. They just would not go away.

The conclusion I've come to:

I plan not to ever put myself in a situation where I feel like this again.

For some, whatever the outcome, it's no big deal. For me emotionally and psychologically, It was a big deal. Would I deal with the circumstances and continue to live my life the most healthy way possible? I'm sure. 

But would the idea of "If I only just took the time to....." haunt me indefinitely? 

Most likely.

Monday 6:00am 

6:30am

6:45am

7:00am

8:00am

8:20am

8:25am

8:26am

8:28am

8:40am

8:43am

8:52am

8:56am

8:57am

finally 9:00am

"Hi I'm calling to get my test results."

"What tests did you have done?"

"Oh my goodness!" I thought to myself

"HIV / gonorrhea blah blah blah"

"Oh I let you talk to the nurse."

Now the anxiety thickens.

After 10 minutes of my phone dropping the call and going through the whole questioning process. I reach the nurse.

Clear of HIV, gonorrhea, Hep B and whatever else they tested me for.

Conclusion #2

For me condoms just works best. (I speak for myself only. Everyone does what they chose to protect themselves or not.) No matter how hot the heat of the moment is; playing without wrapping it up is not something that is anywhere on my agenda. There have been some that said we could eventually try it once to see how it feels. 

No.

I know from this brief experience that it's not worth the anxiety and trouble.

A side note:

I know a lot of my fear was how something like that would change my life. I also know that some of the fear stemmed from the stigma behind HIV itself. As much as I am open to playing with poz men and I don't perceive positive men in a way that would be stigmatic, I know that many others do.  And I know that would be my biggest challenge for ME oppose to my views of poz guys.