DEAD INSIDE

 LINK: THE SCARS

I hate when guys break off communication.  I hate it even worse when it was them that initiated conversation to begin with.  

I really should have witnessed the warning signs from the beginning.  The high praise, The placing me on a pedi stool, the inability to come "out of character" and just see me as Mark as opposed to Daddy or Sir.

What I find more often than not is this facade of being interested in connection and engagement but really they just want to be sexed in a way that would get them off.  Sometimes it's just a "wham bam" kind of thing.  Other times the "Friendship" can go on for years before you realize that they are just getting what they want from you and once the situation changes, and they are not receiving what they want at the capacity they are used to, they go radio silent.

When I was making trips to Southern California, there was a bate buddy that I would chat with on my drive to and back.  We talked about everything from our relationships to family stuff and day to day living.

Although our contact was long distance, I felt like we were great support systems for each other.  I strongly believe what changed was the situations going on in my life that put me in a non playful mood.  

When asked how a person is, there is the superficial bullshit and there is the real answer.  We kept it real 100%.  But when the answer is always "Horny," (And that always meant they wanted to bate either by phone or video) it got old.  Maybe my need for connection got old for him.

I know what it is like to be a needy bitch.  I have had plenty of people like that in my life.  It is draining.  I have been one of those needy bitches as well.   And I know that those demands can quickly drive a person away.  

That is why I try not to overstep another person's boundaries and space because I both know how it feels to be pestered and how devastating to a relationship to be the pest. 

This, in my opinion however, was more like the whole fantasy thing I continually bitch about. Everybody wants Daddy Scruff but will "tolerate" Mark until they are totally bored with him.

I would say that this really got me fucked up but I'm dead inside. lol

That's a serious cap! 

I feel.  

I feel deeply.

(Maybe too deeply.) 

But I can't deny that there has been plenty of numbing from this constant exposure to this behavior.

So, I won't say I'm dead inside.  Just in a deep coma.

THE CLIENT

About ten years ago, Christmas time fast forward to now.

Link:THE SCARS

As I walked into the facility to meet the new client, all the staff workers wished me luck.  They informed me just how stubborn and mean he could get at times.  

Walking into residential care facilities, assisted living, and people's homes can sometimes bring a sense of anxiousness.  I believe it is natural to have some nervousness about what the dynamic of any relationship would be, whether professional or personal.

Working as a caregiver has given me somewhat of an ability to take sure blows without making them personal.  I was there to care for my clients to the best of my ability.  

Though companionship can be one of the essentials for job performance, what my client thinks of me (good or bad) does not determine the quality of care I provide. Sometimes, it's a dirty job, literally. The pay often sucks, but it is what I'm good at.  Ironically, being the introverted person I am, the job allows me to have that human connection and get me out of the bubble I sometimes create without actively knowing.

Walking into the client's room, I heard him and the staff sparing over whether he was going to the restroom.

"I don't have to go!" He called out fervently.

"Mr. ___, Just try to go.  If nothing happens then fine.  I just need to make sure you are dry before I leave my shift.”

"Hello!" I interrupted.

"Oh hi.  I'm just getting Mr____ to the toilet right now.  He's being his usual self right now."

"What is that supposed to mean!" He yells. 

"Mr ___this is your caregiver for the week.  You be nice to him and don't give him....." 

"Hi Mr ___  I'm Mark." I interrupted.

"You know I can help him since I'm here," I said to the staff worker.

"Do you mind If I assist you?" I asked.

"Whatever!" He snapped.

The off going shift left leaving me with the client.

"I really don't have to go!  I just want to read my damn paper in peace!" Mr_ yelled.

"Okay sir, If you feel you don't have to go let's get you in your chair so you can relax."

We migrated to his recliner where he spent some time reading.  

"If you need anything I just give me a holler."

"Yeah," he mumbled uninterested. 

After about 20 minutes I checked up on him. I sat next to him and struck up conversation.  Quickly he interrupted me.

"Okay let's just get this straight. I don't need any small talk or shooting the breeze or any of that crap!  I am sure you are a nice person but I just like my space.  It's nothing against you I just want to be left alone for just a few minutes.  Please!"

I looked him in the eyes, smiled and said, "Sir, I totally understand.  I will just be in the other room if you need me.  Can I offer you something to drink?"

For the first time he smiled and said calmly, "I would love some apple juice.  Thank you."

I got him his juice went in the other room and left him the hell alone until he needed my service with occasional peeks in to see how he was.

After about two hours into my shift, he asked me to fix him a sandwich in which I did.

"Are you going to fix you a sandwich," he asked.

"I brought my own lunch.  I might as well have my lunch as well,"I said.

"Have a seat!" He said invitingly.

He apologized for being short fuzed and explained that everyone sees him as a grumpy old man. The truth is that he has his ways and even if he feels like he is fine with a little time to himself others try to force him to be this social butterfly that he obviously is not. 

He shared some interesting stories about himself. He also talked about the woes of not feeling like he has a voice and that the older he gets, the less people listen to how he feels about things opposed to what they feel is best.

It is a culture and attitude not only in healthcare but in life as well.

What I discovered about this elderly loner is that he was in many ways like me.  Not just me but many of us who, whether we want to see it or not are getting closer to those elder stages than we care to realize.

I also discovered a very pleasant gentleman that actually enjoyed company and sharing parts of his life with people who cared to listen.  I discovered  that listening to what people have to say is sometimes better than spurting off one's on ideas of their perspective of a person.

I know people who have spent a great deal of their lives pleasing others or trying to please others only to be miserable because they neglected their own needs and or desires to walk a certain path because others were too busy trying to steer them in the path they would like.

The one thing I've learn from my week stay with this gentleman is that everyone needs space and needing space doesn't make that person bad, mean or grumpy.  It means he, she or they deserve to have their space and not everyone has the same views. 

When asked if he would like to join in the decorating of the Christmas tree.  He took the deepest breath he could, rolled his eyes and said, "I don't celebrate Christmas.  It is not something I care to participate in."

I kindly interrupted and said,"Sir. I totally understand how you feel.  Like I said before, 'I'm here for you.' 

Just let me know how I can assist you." 

The rest of the night he kicked my ass in checkers. 

Twice. 

 

But I got my revenge in the last game. 

After my shift I followed up with the staff.  I told them how he really doesn't enjoy holiday events but we had a fun time playing checkers and talking.

The funny thing, actually the sad thing about their reaction was the total disbelief that this grumpy old man would actually open up so quickly to a new guy like me.

"It was pretty simple. I listen to him.  I gave him his space when he wanted and let him decide the atmosphere he wanted.  Also, I understand convincing him to participate in the holiday celebrations can be difficult so I didn't try.  I did offer other social activities such as checkers in which he is excellent."

"Mr_ plays checkers?"

Oh, there was no hiding the look on my face.  If I would have stayed one more second I would have laughed in their faces.  It was actually so sad it was hilarious.

Some people choose not to follow certain holidays for whatever reason.  And no.  You are not entitled to know what those reasons are if the person chooses not to share. 

NAH, WE GOOD

Link: THE SCARS

Some time last year

Warning: If you suffer from White fragility, this may ruffle your delicate feathers.  You've been warned.

Some time last year, I was on my X account scrolling through my timeline.  

I came across a clip from a production company that specializes in Black, Bi, kink porn.  The producers were sharing clips for promotion to their site. 

I found it rather mesmerizing as it is very rare that I see bisexual porn featuring nothing but black men and women.

The clip showed five guys gang banging this one lady before turning on each other.  I just had to visit this page to see more.

There were clips of man/woman, man/man, woman/woman and mixed orgies.  Every scene was fucking hot.

Scrolling through the comments, I read one that was more of a suggestion from a White viewer.

The suggestion was,"More interracially mixed would be better.  I'm just saying."

I replied with, "Nah, we good."

I continued, "As much as I'm all for interracial bondage kink; C'mon! Just look at my page! lol

We need more Black Bondage / Kink representation.

Social media is bombarded with a Eurocentric perspective of sex, kink, fashion etc.

It is definitely not hard to find white men engaging in all kinds of kinks.  It is also not hard to discover interracial porn and kink.  But, Black porn that doesn't include a White face is very rare.

All Black porn is very much needed because the more we get used to 'Black porn', (that is really just interracial porn) the more the message is sent: We can't be sexy unless there is a White man or non- Black man in our content.  It is a conditioning I am all too familiar with.

Our sexiness don't need to rely on another race to be so.

So. Nah, we good.

PAIN PIG

Links: THE MAKING OF DADDY SCRUFF

          THE SCARS

             PAIN PIG

               

               

Friday June 14, 2024

The meeting with Pain Pig has help me realize that there is more to THE MAKING OF DADDY SCRUFF than discovering and building my persona and image as the moniker. It goes further than the play and experiences that shapes the presence of Daddy Scruff.  This experience has literally challenged and helped me grow in my communication as well as allowing me to go deeper in the understanding of the "why" in certain circumstances. It helped me develop positive ways to deal with subs expressing doubts about play, my abilities to connect and doubts within themselves.

1:38 pm

Just before getting in the car to drive to San Francisco, I sent a text,  "I am getting out much later than I expected. The traffic is a nightmare.  My goal is still to make it by 5 PM.  I will say 5:30 just to play it safe."

"I was going to come straight from work, I am off at 4 PM and I am going to go home," he replied.

This threw me off because I specifically recalled him mentioning that he would rather come straight over from work.

5:16pm

"I made it.  I am in room 705. You can clean your butthole nice and clean, but don’t wash anything else.  If you have, it is not a big issue.  Just make sure nothing else is washed except for your butt hole and brush your teeth." I texted.

He sent me a thumbs up to confirm.

Because I was unsure about his decision to come straight to the hotel from work; I decided to call.

There was a pause.  Then there was a deep sigh.

"Sir," he said with another sigh.

There was yet another pause.

"I don't think I'm coming over."

This account may not be verbatim. I was so shocked I just tried to collect as much of what was going on as possible.

What's going on?

There was another long pause.  

He said, "I knew I was going to feel this way if I went home first."

I figured maybe he was tired and just needed to wind down for a bit. 

Prior to us talking he mentioned that he had been out of playing for quite awhile.  We chatted back and forth on Recon, text, and phone.  I was as explicit and thorough as I could possibly be about my intentions and expectations.  I attempt to make sure every person I play with is confident that I will take good care of them.  I want to make sure they are having as good of a time as I am.

Sometimes I may go a bit overboard with messaging and explanations about how I play.  But I do that because I genuinely want them to feel safe when they come through the door.  Actually before they step through the threshold of the room. 

There have been subs that have been turned off by that.  Some prefer more of a sense of danger.  Some like a more aggressive and "In your face" approach And that is fine.  My solution: Go to those Doms that will give you that "no questions asked" approach.  That's not me. 

"I'm very sorry.  I don't want to be one of those flakes but I just don't know..."

"I had a lot planned for us.  I spent a great deal of time and money on this trip and hotel," I said as calmly as possible. 

I hate to sound like one of those jerks that feel entitled to getting a piece because they spend money on their dates.  No means no and I respect that.  But to not even attempt to come over and have a discussion or anything is more than disappointing. 

It was more than the money for the room.  It was more than the sex and more than the two hour drive into the city.  It was a mixture of all of that and being denied the opportunity to earn that person's trust and connection whether we played or not.

I'm not going to lie I was upset and a little pissed. But more than that, I was; the only word I can think of is deflated.  Like someone let all of the air out of me.

 

"We spent about 20 minutes on the phone getting a feel of what his concerns were.  I really wanted the opportunity to earn his trust and show him my form of play.  However if there was one thing I was not going to do is attempt to convince him to do anything.  I wasn't even going to try to convince him that he could trust me.

"So what are you looking for?

 Talking to him, he mentioned that as a sub it has never been about his pleasure and that the mutual satisfaction thing was foreign to him.  He was also used to being told what to do and given specific instructions.  He also mentioned that the pain aspect was prevalent in his process of serving.

"I can do that." I replied.

He basically needed affirmation that I was going to be an assertive and firm Dom.  He didn't need the intensity to even level up to how he usually plays as long as there was a prominent Dominant presence in the Top.

There are aspects of domination and humiliation that reduces the sub to being the sole object of the Dom's pleasure.  It is a conditioning that often includes name calling, belittling and treating the sub as nothing more than the Dom's property.  This practice often programs the sub into not only accepting this way of play, but it can program them to expect nothing other than this level.

This programing is great for many D/s encounters.  It can be quite problematic for those who are more on the nurturing side.

To make a long story short, he did decide to come over after our conversation.

I knew he felt the need to be given orders what to do so I gave him explicit directions what to do when he got to the hotel.  Actually the protocol was no different from what I usually expect my subs to do when they get to the place of play, with variations depending on my mood.

7:35pm

Pain Pig entered the room.

He did as instructed.  He stripped down to his underwear, put on the knee pads and collar with the leash attached.  From the various choices of sight depravation, he chose the famous black and red hood seen in many of my videos.  He then got on his knees and waited. 

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ANOTHER ONE BLOCKED

August 18, 2015 

About 2:00pm 

Tuesday afternoon 

Link: THE SCARS

 I should have said no from the beginning when he went on about his curiosity of being with a Black man.

If you ever want to annoy me, just write an essay on how much you love Black dick.

"So you gonna fuck my tight white boy pussy?" he ask annoyingly.

"No" I reply.

Normally I don't have a problem with any race but there is a group (And this doesn't pertain to every White guy,  just the certain ones stuck on stupid) of white guys who are obsessed with having sex with Black men.  If that's your preference, fine.  I don't have a problem with that.  However, turning me into a fetish is just creepy in my opinion. So I declined.

10 minutes later I got another message.  It was the same person.  This time he showed me his face pics.  He was a handsome guy; curly dark brown hair, blue eyes, somewhat of a muscle bear type.  

"I need a big black cock in me real bad." he whined.

"O.K. 

You want to get fucked ? You are gonna have to calm down with all the Black dick stuff.  I usually don't get with dudes like that." I complained.

"Sorry. So what are you into ? What would you do to me?"

"If you like to come over I have some time. We could meet and see where it goes," I replied.

"Well I don't know. What are you going to do to me?"

"Never mind. Not interested," I replied.

"Wait ! I'll come over."
  
I messaged him my address.  

He arrived at my place.

We talked a bit.  I could tell that he was uncomfortable so I told him to relax and that we don't have to do anything that would make him uncomfortable.

I asked him what made him decide to come over.  He said that he had always been attracted to Black guys but was always afraid.  When I asked to be more specific; he gave me a typical response. 

"It may be too big, it may hurt and the person may not stop and would rape me." 

Then there was the stereotypical things like getting mugged etc.  I looked at him and said, "Dude you watch way too much T.V.  We are not all muggers, rapists and drug addicts."

Then I said, "You are a cute guy but I don't think this will work."

"No. Don't. I really like you. I just need to relax a bit." He said.

"No it's time to go."

He got his stuff and left.  I've met some weird people in my day but a racist that wants to be fucked by black dudes?  Nah! I'll pass.  

He sent me numerous messages wanting to hook up.  He even unlocked his private pics of him bent over with his cheeks spread which I found even more offensive. "So you think because you got an o.k. ass, that's going to make me come running to you like a dog in heat? Good Bye!"

Another blocked person on my account. 

A PICTURE WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Summer 2004

My first Folsom Street Fair Event

Link: 

THE SCARS

A young man at the age of 33 was walking down the street in full Leather uniform during Folsom Street Fair.

The clunking of his boots, the way he stepped, the clanging of the buckles on his kink outfit and the way he worked the crowd displayed a great sense of sexual confidence, virility and prowess.  

He walked through the crowd as if it belonged to him.   And even though it was just his second time at this fair, he knew he was at home.  Flirting eyes cruised him as he return the salutation.

As he continued to strut down Folsom, he noticed a different set of eyes on him.  

An older White man was looking at this young gentleman.  This man turned to his buddy that was taking studio portraits for the crowd and with the biggest grin nodded to the photographer.  It was within seconds that this older White man ran as fast as he could to flag this young Black gentleman down.  

He finally caught up to him and complimented how handsome he was and that he wanted to get some photographs with him.  The young man kindly declined but the the older gentleman would not stop pushing for just a few pictures.  

The man shared about his website that chronicled his D/s relationship with his boy and gave him a card with a link to his site.  He talked about how he loved men of color especially men with his richer skin tone.  He mentioned how much he would be honored to get a few photos with him.

The young guy was a little hesitant and really not comfortable with it; but after being begged and coaxed he finally said yes.  So he signed the model release granting the photographer the rights to use the photos and began his posing.

As he was being posed with this older gentleman, he was asked to take off his Muir cap.

He didn’t mind the request.  However, he was curious why the other guy kept his on and he was requested to take his off. 

“It’s just for the effect.” The photographer said.

For the next pose, the photographer directed the young man to get on one knee with his hands place on the other one while the White guy towered next to him.

“This pose illustrates me in a totally submissive position.” 

“That’s because I am a Dominant figure,” The guy replied.

“Well I’m definitely not a submissive,” the young guy responded back.

“If I pose in this stance I would at least like to be able to have you pose for me in the same stance I did for you.”

The older guy kind of laughed and told the young Black man that he was a well known Dominant in the community and that it wouldn’t be good for his image.

The older guy just kept on smiling in his friendly voice and kindly coaxed him once more into posing into various submissive styles.  After the session was done,  The young guy asked if he would receive at least one of the images for posing and signing the release.

The photographer said, “Sure, for $10 you can get….. for $25 you get……”

“Damn! Not even one free shot! Oh, okay.”

Being low on funds, the young Black guy kindly declined.   He really didn’t feel it would be worth buying something that he didn’t feel comfortable doing in the first place.  He figured that the man he posed with would most likely post them on his website anyway.

The next day the young man went to the older man’s website.  On the front page were the images that he 

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THE FOUR MILESTONES

An original post from my previous blog.

Link: THE INTITIATION, THE SCARS, THE EXODUS,

         THE MAKING OF DADDY SCRUFF

My journal (or shall I say journey) is just as much a great pleasure as it is complicated.  It is a pleasure in that I get to express myself whole heartedly.  There are no holds barred with this journal.

Where it gets complicated (most likely for the reader) is the breaking from the usual format of blogging.  This especially rings true for the breaking from the usual format of writing a journal, as this is a journey more than anything else.

This is a journey unlike most journals or blogs. 

There is usually a chronological order of events that leads to a big picture in the realm of things.

 

However in my world, I may post about something going on in my life currently one day; and the next day post about something I did or experienced fifteen to twenty years ago.  It is all relevant to the four key milestones in my BDSM walk. 

THE INITIATION

Chronicles the beginning.  It is actually a few beginnings.  It is that fateful night at the bar when I went home with the man that exposed me to my very first BDSM experience.   It was a friend that told me about and convinced me to get involved with a fraternity of leather men that connected me with the leather community.  It was and is many gateways and opened doors that I walked into to get to where I am today.  It was the leather community welcoming me in with open arms.

THE SCARS 

Are part of facing who I was and is and how I'm really perceived by some members of this  community.  It is me being one of the few Black faces among an entire tribe of White faces.  The scars are some of the fucked up experiences I've had and the stupid mistakes I've made in my arrogance and pride.  The Scars are what brought me initially to:

THE EXODUS

This chronicles my decision to walk away from the leather community, actually from the gay community altogether. It was my decision and a bit of the reason why I removed myself from hook up apps, stopped cruising and got out of BDSM play altogether.  The Exodus and The Scars play hand in hand.  The Scars are what happened and the marks it left on me psychologically and emotionally.  The Exodus was the departing from it all and life back in the vanilla world.

THE MAKING OF DADDY SCRUFF

Is a combination of all three.  It all ties together with the making of my persona.  The making is the actually play.  It is the development of Daddy.  It's me coming out from exile.  It's the reconciliation of who I was, who I am now and who I chose to be.

As someone in another life; I am familiar with blogging and the trap of trying to make sure not to offend one group or another. 

"Should I write this? Or should I find a different way to express myself?"

This is what Mark constantly battles with. 

Daddy just writes it.

As much As Daddy appreciates the love and the comments, (in which I do) Daddy gives not a flying fuck about the consequences of backlash.  He cares less about it because he's lived it.  He knows what it is like to be angry and smile anyway; because his anger as a Black man is considered a threat to those who are too sensitive to take a tap; all the while having punches thrown at him.

Daddy tells the ugly truth about how the sausage is really made in the Wonderful World of Gaybelieve. But Daddy also gives props where props are due. 

As I continue to age like a fairly fine wine, Daddy is reconciling with Mark and the two are slowly morphing as one; making Daddy the pilot of this flight.

Does this mean I'm going to walk into work in my leather outfit and request people start calling me "Sir" or "Daddy?" 

No.  

It does mean that I am coming more into the realization that being respected really only happens when I respect myself and stop settling for anything less than the best from my peers.  Its standing up and having my voice heard regardless if one refuses to listen.  It is expecting the same level of respect that I give to to others. 

These are my four milestones.  As I continue to write, I will tag each post according to each milestone.  Some may have one or more milestones. Some may not have any of these tags.  These tags are really there to give a bit of order to things as I will often drift from past to current and visa versa.

So sit tight.  I have a journey to share.