My journal (or shall I say journey) is just as much a great pleasure as it is complicated. It is a pleasure in that I get to express myself whole heartedly. There are no holds barred with this journal.
Where it gets complicated (most likely for the reader) is the breaking from the usual format of blogging. This especially rings true for the breaking from the usual format of writing a journal, as this is a journey more than anything else.
This is a journey unlike most journals or blogs.
There is usually a chronological order of events that leads to a big picture in the realm of things.
However in my world, I may post about something going on in my life currently one day; and the next day post about something I did or experienced fifteen to twenty years ago. It is all relevant to the four key milestones in my BDSM walk.
Chronicles the beginning. It is actually a few beginnings. It is that fateful night at the bar when I went home with the man that exposed me to my very first BDSM experience. It was a friend that told me about and convinced me to get involved with a fraternity of leather men that connected me with the leather community. It was and is many gateways and opened doors that I walked into to get to where I am today. It was the leather community welcoming me in with open arms.
Are part of facing who I was and is and how I'm really perceived by some members of this community. It is me being one of the few Black faces among an entire tribe of White faces. The scars are some of the fucked up experiences I've had and the stupid mistakes I've made in my arrogance and pride. The Scars are what brought me initially to:
This chronicles my decision to walk away from the leather community, actually from the gay community altogether. It was my decision and a bit of the reason why I removed myself from hook up apps, stopped cruising and got out of BDSM play altogether. The Exodus and The Scars play hand in hand. The Scars are what happened and the marks it left on me psychologically and emotionally. The Exodus was the departing from it all and life back in the vanilla world.
Is a combination of all three. It all ties together with the making of my persona. The making is the actually play. It is the development of Daddy. It's me coming out from exile. It's the reconciliation of who I was, who I am now and who I chose to be.
As someone in another life; I am familiar with blogging and the trap of trying to make sure not to offend one group or another.
"Should I write this? Or should I find a different way to express myself?"
This is what Mark constantly battles with.
Daddy just writes it.
As much As Daddy appreciates the love and the comments, (in which I do) Daddy gives not a flying fuck about the consequences of backlash. He cares less about it because he's lived it. He knows what it is like to be angry and smile anyway; because his anger as a Black man is considered a threat to those who are too sensitive to take a tap; all the while having punches thrown at him.
Daddy tells the ugly truth about how the sausage is really made in the Wonderful World of Gaybelieve. But Daddy also gives props where props are due.
As I continue to age like a fairly fine wine, Daddy is reconciling with Mark and the two are slowly morphing as one; making Daddy the pilot of this flight.
Does this mean I'm going to walk into work in my leather outfit and request people start calling me "Sir" or "Daddy?"
No.
It does mean that I am coming more into the realization that being respected really only happens when I respect myself and stop settling for anything less than the best from my peers. Its standing up and having my voice heard regardless if one refuses to listen. It is expecting the same level of respect that I give to to others.
These are my four milestones. As I continue to write, I will tag each post according to each milestone. Some may have one or more milestones. Some may not have any of these tags. These tags are really there to give a bit of order to things as I will often drift from past to current and visa versa.
So sit tight. I have a journey to share.
We're here for it.
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