I have had my share of empty hook ups and dating sites that were and still proves to be a waste of my time.
When I first started out having sex with men, I was 29. Not very young. I was somewhat of a late bloomer. The whole experience was new to me. I was so green about same sex relations that I just assumed all gay men were versatile.
Even though I loved being a top I also enjoyed bottoming although it was often challenging for me because I have always been very tight.
It wasn’t untIl later that year of discovering gay sex I learned that there are various roles in gay sex such as top, bottom, vers, vers top, and vers bottom. I discovered I was a versatile top, definitely leaning more toward the top side.
In my early thirties I was exposed to BDSM by a man that opened me to many kinks. This man dominated me and literally turned me inside out. He showed me what it was like to be his boy. It was often painful; sometimes scary.
He had me totally immobilized while he fed me his cock what felt like a 24 hour event each time he called me. He did what he wanted to me. Again, some felt good; some didn’t. But this wasn’t for my pleasure; it was for his and he made sure that I understood that.
The crazy thing about the whole experience is that even though I was pretty much at his mercy he always made it clear that at anytime I wanted, I could leave. So I wasn’t held hostage. Often times I anticipated his calls as much as I dreaded them. It was all I thought about at work, home or with my friends. This was my first set of experiences with what SIR described to me as BDSM.
Of course I’ve heard of S&M but the B and D was totally new to the S&M acronym.
I never imagined that fateful night would change my whole perspective on sex. I never thought that after one night with this guy my body and apparently my mind would belong to him.
During those sessions I realized that there were things he did to me that just wasn’t for me. It became very difficult because I felt like my role as a top was being threatened.
As much as I enjoyed being versatile, I realized that my choice for being versatile was being stripped away.
Something about submitting to someone didn’t click with me.
He never sucked my dick. I never got to touch mine because my arms were usually restrained. He never allowed me to caress his body. The intimacy of two equal men was not there because he owed that.
But for some reason I kept coming back. What was it?
Well I know for starters this man was hot as hell. Never before have I been with someone so masculine. Just when he walked into the room my body would tremble at his masculine presence. When I say “tremble” I don’t mean in a bad way. It was a very good way. I wasn’t necessarily afraid of SIR. I would definitely say somewhat intimidated as this was all uncharted territory for me.
He never did anything to make me feel unsafe. But it was clear that he called the shots and I never knew what would be next which was both a little scary but fun.
What ultimately ended my sessions with him was the demands he was making with my boundaries outside of play. I will discuss that in a later post.
What I learned from that experience is that this new found BDSM was exciting and yet something I was not used to. But I appreciated the introduction to it.
That experience got me to thinking how I liked certain things and how I would have done some things totally differently. This curiosity of what I would have done if I was SIR sparked in me a quest. And so began my journey to find out.
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