I had this post in the queue since January. I debated posting this because, well, who wants to be vulnerable? I feel like the pressure is more intense for a Dom because the image portrayed is that the DOM is always in control. No one knows what he’s really feeling because it is not cool to open up. Especially, never show your weakness in front of a sub. How would you ever gain his respect? I battled all this and came to the conclusion that this journal is to let the world know that I don’t always have my shit together nor do I have to. Also anyone who loses respect for me for showing that I am human is not worthy of my time anyway.
To all novice Tops, Daddies, Masters etc. It is okay not to have your shit together. You will constantly wonder how you “measure up” or feel like you could never measure up with all these perfect superior “Alphas” because all you see is what they will allow. Yes I battled whether I was going to keep it real or not. But I’m glad I did. Hopefully this will help others dealing with similar issues.
It’s twelve twelve in the midnight morning. I have 48 minutes to contemplate going to Burger King and getting a chicken sandwich.
I’m not even hungry. My mouth is salivating for a fucking chicken sandwich that I desperately want but will be totally stuffed if I eat it. So why do I want it?
Maybe it’s depression. Maybe it’s boredom. Maybe I’m what is known as an emotional eater. I just know that food has sometimes been my friend and my worst enemy. I am at my highest weight in my life right now, I feel so out of control. It has been months since I’ve picked up my camera and shot self portraits.
That is something I used to do when I felt sexy enough to post thotty thirst traps online. I am not even going to deny being a big attention whore when the mood is right. But as of late my main focus has been to be as low key as possible.
We are told to love ourselves and “body positivity” this and “body positivity” that, which is utter bullshit because at the end of the day all that ever floods my social media feeds are skinny or majorly buff White guys screaming “body positivity.” I say fuck body positivity! I don’t love what I’ve become because it is not natural for me.
And no. This attitude has nothing to do with the false narrative of “loving yourself” regardless of social media explicitly ignoring races and body types that look like me. (shame on you, you know who you are.)
No. It has to do with me getting out of this funk I’ve gotten into over the last few years.
Before my injury I could walk long walks, jog, and exercise. Staying fit was much easier but now I have been limited to what I can do.
I lost 30 fucking pounds in 2020. After I had my surgery for my hernia I discovered that they did not properly fix it. Those sons of bitches told me I have to have surgery again. I literally cried like a baby. I also decided not to let them touch me with a ten foot pole ever again.
During 2021 I just fucking ate myself to oblivion. The 30 pounds I lost in 2020? I gained 40 in 2021.
And here I am. I can’t say I’m feeling sorry for myself. But I did get very angry and adopted an “I don’t give a fuck. I’m going to eat what I fucking want when I fucking want it,” attitude.
Now I feel like shit. Now I look like shit.
I’m angry and I am tired of waiting to find a competent doctor to fix my hernia. If I could cut myself open and place the bulge back in my body and staple the tissue so that it’s not recurrent I would. But how realistic is that?
Needless to say I’m mad. I’m depressed at the situation. But I can’t eat myself to an early grave.
There is so much that could be written about this post. I'll try to keep it brief. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and accepting all of our strengths and weaknesses alike takes a certain amount of courage. I personally think it takes a very strong and confident man to admit he's vulnerable to all the same life challenges as the rest of us. That person that tries to create a persona and live an illusion not letting anyone in is someone that will find himself very much alone and sad when he is no longer able to uphold the image he has tried so hard to hide behind all his life. When we try to emulate the images that our social media feeds us is it any wonder we feel woefully inadequate?! We have to accept ourselves for who and what we are, change the things we can and find some sense of peace with the rest.
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DeleteYes. Very much so. I'm glad I'm in a better place to see that. And thank you so much for those words so beautifully expressed.
D Scruff