DEAD INSIDE

 LINK: THE SCARS

I hate when guys break off communication.  I hate it even worse when it was them that initiated conversation to begin with.  

I really should have witnessed the warning signs from the beginning.  The high praise, The placing me on a pedi stool, the inability to come "out of character" and just see me as Mark as opposed to Daddy or Sir.

What I find more often than not is this facade of being interested in connection and engagement but really they just want to be sexed in a way that would get them off.  Sometimes it's just a "wham bam" kind of thing.  Other times the "Friendship" can go on for years before you realize that they are just getting what they want from you and once the situation changes, and they are not receiving what they want at the capacity they are used to, they go radio silent.

When I was making trips to Southern California, there was a bate buddy that I would chat with on my drive to and back.  We talked about everything from our relationships to family stuff and day to day living.

Although our contact was long distance, I felt like we were great support systems for each other.  I strongly believe what changed was the situations going on in my life that put me in a non playful mood.  

When asked how a person is, there is the superficial bullshit and there is the real answer.  We kept it real 100%.  But when the answer is always "Horny," (And that always meant they wanted to bate either by phone or video) it got old.  Maybe my need for connection got old for him.

I know what it is like to be a needy bitch.  I have had plenty of people like that in my life.  It is draining.  I have been one of those needy bitches as well.   And I know that those demands can quickly drive a person away.  

That is why I try not to overstep another person's boundaries and space because I both know how it feels to be pestered and how devastating to a relationship to be the pest. 

This, in my opinion however, was more like the whole fantasy thing I continually bitch about. Everybody wants Daddy Scruff but will "tolerate" Mark until they are totally bored with him.

I would say that this really got me fucked up but I'm dead inside. lol

That's a serious cap! 

I feel.  

I feel deeply.

(Maybe too deeply.) 

But I can't deny that there has been plenty of numbing from this constant exposure to this behavior.

So, I won't say I'm dead inside.  Just in a deep coma.