50

Written sometime in 2021

For some reason I just knew I was going to love my 50s.

I loved my 30s.  That was the beginning of my sexual revolution. It was my sexual exploration.  

 My 40s were definitely not my favorite time.  It was when my hair started turning gray.  I started packing on the pounds; all 35 of them to be exact.  The once slim beautiful Black guy with the dark black goatee and black buzz cut was changing.  I was starting to look old.  I was actually feeling old.  

More than just the physical, I realized I just wasn't happy.  My relationship with my partner was not very healthy and I was in a friendship with someone who expected more out of me as a friend than I could give.

But I told myself when I turn fifty I am going to make changes.  This year I made the conscience decision to work on my relationship with my partner which has been so much better.  I made very clear what my personal boundaries are with my friend.  He wasn't happy with my declaration.  As a matter of fact he stopped calling me altogether.  He was the closest friend I had. 

 It hurt to know that everything was fine when we were friends on his terms but when it was time for him to respect my terms he bounced.

The  beautiful thing however is; though it does get lonely sometimes, I am in a better place. I realize that I don't have to settle just because that is my main friend at the time.  His leaving helped me to see just where his heart was.  My relationship with my partner is better.  And even though I have some physical limitations due to a recent injury, I am getting my weight back down.

I have more grays than ever.   Also, looking at my face I am starting to see small wrinkles and creases pop up.  But I'm not half as freaked out about it as I was in my 40s.  For some reason I seem to be getting a lot more flirtatious looks at the grocery store as of late.

I'm not saying 50 is some magical number; but I do believe as I get older I am finding myself caring less about some of the silly crap I worried about ten years ago.  Hell! Ten days ago.