ANXIETY

Anxiety is a song 
Playing in your head
That ends abruptly

Your heart skips 

At the sudden silence
Knowing you must get up immediately 

You must get up to cue the next song

Everyone is waiting for the DJ

Pressure of will they dance

Or will they scoff at the selection

Every decision is critical 

The DJ must not lose the crowd

Play this 

Play that

You haven’t played my song yet

You haven't played my song yet

This morning 

my heart skipped a beat

Like a scratch on a record

I was thrown into another groove
A groove unfamiliar to the regular cadence

I thought of that song in my head

The song that spun me 
Into a panic frenzy

It was when I raced out of bed

With my heart pounding violently
Desperate to find the next song

I realized the only crowd 

In that room was me

APPETITE'S BACK

August 4, 2026

It’s 1:00am in the morning and I had a sharp craving for a chicken sandwich from BK. This is the first craving I had in a long time.  

Normally I would hate this battle of “Should I go out and satisfy my itch.”

However I’m glad I’m actually getting my appetite back.  It was bad for a minute. I couldn’t take a bite of anything without gagging and wanting to throw up.

The grief of losing Boss weighed and still weighs heavy.  

And then there was the death of my father just a few weeks after My husband.

Throw in harassment of the narcissist pushing every button to make me either breakdown and comply to their outlandish and sometimes harmful commands; or just being verbally abusive just to get and emotional response out of me literally left me sick to my stomach.

Yes. A lot has happened.  

Yes. I have a few great support systems to help me through this time.  I’ve been taken great care of and fortunate to have a few great friends and a local support group that I recently started attending.

Feeling the need to write about it just hasn’t come up.

There is one friend that has been more helpful than he could ever imagine.  

Logan made sure to check on me regularly.  The beautiful thing about him is he never knew what to say.  He outright declared that he did not what to say or do.  The beautiful thing that I hope he realizes now is that he is already doing it.  When I need someone to talk to he is there.  Often times it is not what you say that brings comfort but just being there in times of need. And I love the fuck out of him for that.  I cannot say "thank you" enough.

By the way, I decided not to get the chicken sandwich and do some writing instead. The craving is gone . Not to worry though. My appetite is pretty much back. I just have a different relationship with the concept of food now which is somewhat a good thing.

GOOD MORNING BOSS

Every morning at some point I would greet Boss with, "Good morning."

He would reply back with, "Good morning Honey."

I'd follow up with asking if he wanted breakfast.  Usually hot chocolate with either a piece of toast or some kind of pastry would be his choice.

The last few weeks I'd wake up and start my routine. It is a little different than before but not by much.  It is much better if I wake up to a the black sheet covering the window so that the morning light doesn't slap me with the reality that morning is here. I don't want to get out of bed.  I really don't want to do anything but I make myself get out of bed. Once I fight the dread of reality, I brush my teeth. 

I do a few other things that are personal and then I call out,"Good morning Boss!"

I call out but don't get a response nor do I expect one.

I no longer wait for,"Good morning Honey," because Boss is gone.

My baby is gone. 

The one man that I loved deeply and dearly.  The one man that I know without a doubt loved me unconditionally is gone.

It has been 23 wonderful years.  We had our ups and downs. Good, bad and everything in between.  But at the end of the day we loved the fuck out of each other.  

It hurts everyday. 

EVERY FUCKING DAY!

EVERY FUCKING DAY!

EVERY FUCKING DAY!

But he is at peace.

Every morning there are a few things I do to get my day started. One of those things I do is greet him with, "Good morning Boss!"

Maybe I will chat a bit about what I got going on for the day or maybe I will just tell him, "good morning."

Just something to feel like he's still with me.

No. I don't want any signs. 

No flickering lights. No objects dropping on the ground.  Save the parlor tricks for someone else.

I'm good with just greeting my one and true love. 

I love you and miss you so much. It hurts so bad but your suffering is no more.

I will always love you.  I will always cherish you.

TODAY'S PICK: MACK'S

LINK: TODAY'S PICK

Today's pick is MACK'S. Although I just posted today, I am still working on focusing on this one.  It is on my night on the town In SF.  There was so much fun to be had back in the day. This recounts my time with a man I call The Leather Guy

Every now and then there is a sex session in which the chemistry is on fire. This is the one for me.

MACK FOLSOM PRISON (PART 1)

LINKS: THE ALLEY

             

A Summer night cruising the bars

San Francisco 2004

It was a typical cruise night for me in San Francisco.  I would let my husband who was then my boyfriend, know that I was hitting the city. 

I would neatly trim my goatee, shower, put on my blue jeans, Leather chaps, Leather boots, white t-shirt, black motorcycle jacket, muir cap and leather gloves.

I would get into the city around 8:45pm and spend around 15 minutes finding a parking spot.

About 9:15 pm I hit one of my bars on Folsom.  I went in not expecting much.  The night was still young but since I was driving from out of town I would get there as soon as possible to avoid being stuck in traffic too long.

The music was jumping as usual. 

Because I was early, I was lucky enough to get a seat on the bench in the back of the bar.  The pickings were slim taking that most guys were either gathered in their own cliques or not interested.

I walked into the smoking area which is the alley corridor.  This is where the guys mostly receive blow jobs.  Occasionally people would fuck back there depending on how crowed it is to blend in not to be seen.

There were a few guys out there but none that caught my attention or none that were attracted to me.

Around 10pm

I decided to check out another leather spot down the street.

The traffic on the sidewalk has gotten heavier.  More leather daddies and leather boys migrated from one bar to the other.

As I was walking east toward another bar, a stud geared from head to toe was walking west in the opposite direction. 

He was a White guy with a thin goatee wearing a black Muir cap, black sunglasses, black t-shirt, blue jeans under his chaps; almost exactly what I was wearing but he had black sunglasses on. 

It would be impossible to know if he was making eye contact.  I would look right at him as he was passing by in hopes there would be some kind of response.  There was none.

A guy that hot would definitely get a second look while passing by.  I turned around to get a back view of this stud.  He looked as good leaving as he did coming.  As soon as I began to turn back around he turned his head as to look over his shoulder.  The signal was lost.

"Did he turn his head to check out one of the many guys or was he giving me a signal?"

Soon after, he disappeared into a bar.  I continued my way toward the next bar. 

Passing 8th street I noticed a small doorway with the name MACK above the doorway.  Curious to find out what it was, I walked in.  I cannot quite remember, but I believe there were steps you needed to walk up to get to where the person at the booth was, taking money for entrance.  I soon knew exactly what type of establishment this was. 

Although I was cruising the town, I wasn’t very interested in paying a fee unless I felt it would be worth my while.

I decided to leave and head back to go to one of the bars.  I thought that maybe I would run into the hot leather guy.

11:00 pm 

I made my way to the back room of the bar.  Bodies were packed in the corridor this time.  There was a sea of men.  Some were chatting, others were smoking while checking out the scene.  Others were sucking each other off.

The smoke from the cigarettes started to irritate my lungs so I decided to leave.  I would travel down Folsom moving west.  In the midst of the pedestrians was The Leather Guy in the dark glasses coming toward me.  As he came closer I gave him a smile as acknowledgment.  He smiled back. 

This time when I turned around to check him out, he turned around also giving me a flirtatious smirk. I waited a few seconds before turning around to follow him. 

After a few steps he would turn his head over his shoulder just enough to activate his peripheral vision.

He knew he was being followed.

I knew that he knew.  

And so we played the game.

This predatory behavior, though usually ominous, is not only accepted but highly encouraged amongst each other in the gay world. 

As I followed my prey, I noticed that he walked into the building with the name MACK on it.

I observed and watched as he went behind the door.

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FACT 40: PUBLIC SPANKING SESSIONS

LINK: FACT

 My first time spanking in front of others, I wouldn't say I didn't like it, but I felt very self-conscious about it.  I had spanked often in the privacy of my home. But being in kinky spaces and events, I was among people with way more experience, so I found myself feeling somewhat like I needed to walk on eggshells as not to do something to show my lack of experience. What I've learned is that no-one was critiquing my play (although I felt that way.) Some were just watching out of entertainment. The others were too busy doing their own kinky things (minding their own business.)

My first public flogging, I felt similar.  Instead of critique I did get good advice on how to safely handle the sub during flogging and a lesson on how to have more control over the floggger. Correction isn't a bad thing. It helps one grow as a kinkster.  

When I am in a setting now where others are at play, I enjoy it.  Sometimes I get advice that strengthens my skill so both I and the sub have a better time.   Sometimes when it is a hot session, crowds will look on and enjoy the show.  It can be quite the ego boost.  Also it is a good business card. I can't tell you the number of times a sub has come up to me or a Dom to the sub I was playing with and asked to play later.  Sometimes fellow Kinksters will come to you for kink wisdom which is always a confidence boost.

GETTING OUT OF THE FUNK

 June 10, 2026

     Wednesday

           4:07PM

I have taken off my pants.  I have my black ball cap on, black t-shirt, my Hanes tighty whities, white ankle socks and a comfortable pair of slippers on.

I'm not horny much, nor do I feel very sexy.  To be honest, I haven't felt sexy in over two months, before  having to get treated for an STI.  I still have one more visit as a follow up.  

I have met a few interesting guys on Scruff.  

Because I am focusing more on broadening my social circle, I am matching profiles that state "friends with benefits."  Focusing more on the friend aspect.  

I have so far had three different meet ups.  All parities have agreed to meet up to chat before doing any hooking up.  I wouldn't play anyway until after I know for certain I am clear.

Although the weather is warm enough to strip down to the attire mentioned, it is not the main reason.  

I feel like writing and when I'm writing, I prefer to do it in my underwear.

Writing in minimal clothing or in my PJs does bring an erotic element to the atmosphere. Writing and gearing up even when I don't feel sexy or in the mood often helps to get me out of a funk.

Right now the funk is rather deep.  There's this feeling of being an untouchable until I know my status, there is also the weight gain.  

I have gained every pound back and then some.  Getting back into the groove has been challenging. And then there is the lack of privacy that has also put a huge damper on my me time.

Today I made myself sit down and write; not because I feel I need to post something, but to get back to expressing myself.  It is the one thing that makes me feel sexy, even if I am writing about something totally non-sex related.

It is the one therapy I have when I'm dealing with life and it's ups and downs.

But for now I just want to write. and see where it takes me.

FACT 39

LINK: FACT

OVER THE HILL

Gray hairs are monopolizing my crotch area.  I thought the hair on my head was the end of the world.  Hair on my dick is a whole different level of crazy.

No longer a midlife crisis; rather a realization that even if I pay the ransom, I'm never going to naturally see my black hair alive again.  That is the way it is over that special hill.

Over the hill.

A phrase that can have so many negative

connotations to it. Also a phrase that itself more appropriate if retired, especially since 50, 60, Fuck! even 70+ is still active and very much kicking.

I use the term loosely for myself as I see the term less about an irreversible decline as I see it as a coming over to the other side of many points of view.  I see myself worrying less about what others think about me and my decisions.  I see myself crossing over to the side of "I could give two mammy fucks about what you think."

There is much more to unpack here. But 12:19am and I am tired. Thinking I can wait until the later hours to write is as unproductive as not writing at all.

GUY ON SCRUFF

LINK: POTENTIAL SUB

Me: Hey. I had a great time chatting with you. I hope you are having a great day. 

Guy on Scruff: Hey yeah was fun. Just watching basketball now.

Me: Cool. Basketball…So you are a dude lol

I'm such a girl when it come to sports🤦🏽‍♂️

Guy On Scruff: Lolol just cause it's mindless television.  Is also very good stoned television. Any minute you look into you get all the information you need to understand what's happening. Much easier than following a plot lol

Me: My husband has to explain everything to me when it comes to basketball and football.

Guy On Scruff: God, I'm getting fucked by a girl... lol

Guy On scruff: I kid.

Me: 🤣🤣🤣 That is Mr. Girl to you boy! lol

Guy On Scruff: Haha yes Sir

AURALISM :EXPECTATIONS

Chilling with LB before fucking him silly. I was so concerned about my being able to keep an erection due to a having a dry spell but it worked out fine. It worked out fine as well as being worked in and out and in over again.

 👉🏽✊🏽

SEXY ENOUGH

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PAGING DR. FISHNETS (PART 2)

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DORE 2018

Dore Alley about 2018

The bar was packed wall to wall.
I wanted to get to my favorite spot; The dark quiet area in the back. The thing was; there was no place in that bar that was quiet. 

The house music was pumping and I have to say the beat was nice. Very appropriate for the atmosphere. If it wasn't for the lively music that drew me toward the back I would have wondered if it was worth my time spending damn near 10 minutes trying to get from the front door to the back where the action was.

The only way to get anywhere was to wait until the wave of bodies pushed you there. There really wasn't much going against the flow. I finally made it to the back.

Because I didn't have my usual gear on, my feet were starting to kick my ass in those boots. All I needed was a bench to sit on. Hell I would have settled for a wall to lean against. Every spot was taken by guys making out, kissing, blowing each other or fucking. And the one's who weren't doing any of that were watching the others do it or sizing each other up for the prowl. 

Normally I would stick to my usual jeans and leather jacket. That night I decided to squeeze myself into my leather chaps for the last time since my weight gain, my leather jacket, my muir cap, boots and of course my gloves. I could still but just barely fit my chaps over my jeans. I could have easily worn my chaps with just my jockstrap. But let's be honest. I was really there just trying to look cute that night. Most guys hate the SM type. (Those who just Stand and Model. a.k.a taking up space) But Fuck! I put my time in. I earned my stripes. It was Dore Alley and I was bound to be with my tribe even if it meant I was just going to watch.

Finally I was lucky enough to get a spot against the wall. Occasionally I would switch which boot would support me against the wall just to ease the pressure. 

Next to me was a long bench with not one ounce of space to sit. On the bench was a good looking White guy dressed in a leather police uniform with a muir cap on and leather gloves. 

He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back.

"I thought I'd never get a spot to lean on in here. My feet are killing me!" I shouted over the music.

"You can sit on my lap if you like!" He shouted.

I laughed, "No thank you! I appreciate it though."

He grinned and gestured his arms and head as to say,"C'Mon!"

"Nah!" I shook my head and smiled.

He continued to flag me over.

"What?"

I shrugged my shoulders. 

He patted his thigh to gesture me to have a seat.

"I don't believe I'm doing this." I said with a big grin on my face.

"See that wasn't so bad. Was it?" He said in a friendly tone.

As the music played I found myself getting into the groove. I turned more into the center of his lap grinding and gyrating to the beat.
He just sat there with a big grin on his face as he nodded his head to the music. That's when he placed his hand on my inner thigh and slowly made his way up.

"You know if you keep dancing on me like that you're going to get me excited." He said as he reached higher up my thigh.

We sat there for about ten minutes or so watching the sex taking place on the dance floor while others were actually dancing.

I actually had to use the bathroom so I got up. He stood up also so that we were face to face.

"You don't have to leave now do you?" He frowned.

"I really have to pee. I'll be right back."

I reached in and gave him a kiss.

"You don't really have to leave if you don't want to." He said with a smile.

He knelt down on his knees and looked up at me. I unbuckled my chaps, unbuttoned my jeans and pulled my cock out. I started to piss as he opened his mouth to drink. Trying very hard not to make a mess on the dance floor I would stop and start again the best I could as not to overflow.

"Ready?" I asked

He'd shake his head yes and open as wide as he could.

I stopped a few more times and repeated the process until I emptied my piss fully as he swallowed. When I was done, he sucked my cock and took my load in his mouth. Not bad for someone who wasn't planning on doing anything.

THE CRAWL

LINK: THE MAKING OF DADDY SCRUFF

 Saturday night, San Francisco 

                                 Year 2004  

About 7:00pm

I drove up to San Francisco.  I left around 5:00pm to get into town around 7:00pm and find a good parking spot.  One would argue that is a pretty good drive to go bar hopping in the city.  Back when I went out for the night life, San Francisco was my designated place.  There was no beating around the bush.  Guys have always been more open to me and it was a place where the leather element was more prominent.  Anyway, I like to have a place besides my home town to leave my mark.

About 8:30pm

I find a place to park.  Parking even this early can be quite the bear in the city.  

I am fully showered and clean for my bar hopping event.  I just need to get into my usual drag for the prowl. 

Tonight I am going more leather than usual.  I have on my blue jeans but I will be putting my leather chaps over them.  I got on my leather motorcycle jacket, leather gloves, my Muir cap and I exchange my sneakers that I drove in for my leather boots.

Being geared up from head to toe, one tends to exude a unique attitude.  It is more than persona.  It is a confidence; a self declaration that you are the baddest mofo in this place and yet there is nothing unique in the observation that every other guy has the exact same uniform, with the same attitude.

Ironically this is what makes the experience a whole vibe. 

9:00pm

I start off at the Lone Star on Harrison St.  I order a soda.  I stay there for about thirty minutes before I migrate to The Eagle.  Folsom is the street my “go to” bars are on.  I make my way around the corner and down the block. 

San Francisco has some lengthy blocks.  Around the corner could be a hike.  These boots aren't the most comfortable but I'll be alright.

This is twenty two years prior to me writing this so my willingness and ability to withstand hours of uncomfortable boots for the sake of vanity was much more a priority then than it is now.

As I walk down Folsom, the traffic of party goers mixed with Leather Daddies and Leather boys is as commonplace as any normal attire.

The casual way kinksters and leathermen exist in the South of Market gives me the presence of finding my spot.

10:00pm ish

I walk into the first bar on Folsom for my bar crawl.  There’s a pretty heavy turnout.  The smooth house grooves fill the atmosphere.  The lights are low but bright enough to make eye contact with my fellow cruisers. 

The beat of the music intensifies as I migrate through the dancefloor.

Thump, thump, thump, thump

The drum of the house song along with the baseline is infectious.  If it doesn't make one get up and dance, it definitely puts each guy out cruising into a unique zone.  As I maneuver my way through the crowd, I feel the leather and flesh of bodies bumping and grinding into mine.

I reach my destination to the other side of the bar.  I'm there for about 15 to 20 minutes.  There are a lot of guys in their leather looking the part, but no action.  I open the back door and walk into the smoking area that is a closed off corridor.  It is almost the length and width of THE ALLEY of the bar I've written about in the past.  Although this is designated for guys to have a smoke, you will find many guys on their knees blowing other guys or against the wall getting railed.

I'm taking in the view.  The guy to my left is watching me.  Im getting aroused by the attention but I don't take it out.

He moves in closer and grabs my bulge.  Because I have my chaps 

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CLAP

LINK: THE EXODUS

           THE SCARS           

I'm currently out of commission.  Had to get a shot to clear something up.

Needless to say I am unequivocally retiring Prep and going back to condoms.  It is going to change a great deal how long I last as condoms tend to make me lose my erection over a period of time.

If it was just me I'd probably consider still using Prep, but the hardest thing was telling Boss.

He wasn't upset, but seeing his face when he said, "I thought you were more careful," kind of tore into me.

Boss is not the jealous type.  He understands that I enjoy playing with various guys.  He also knows how fastidious I am when it comes to minimizing germs and disease. Although often I can be messy as fuck, clean environments, good hygiene and disease prevention is a big practice for me. And though I should not place so much value on what others think, Boss is the one person whose opinion I value the most.  

As for now I am going to pause on any activity.  It's not as if I was majorly active any way.  However, it only takes one person.  

Sooo. 🤔 How's the weather? 😃 

NO PLACE LIKE HOME

May 3, 2026

Sunday

There really is no place like home.  My dad and the narcissist get along like oil and water.  It's understandable no one can truly get along with this person.  During his annual meeting with his nurse practitioner, we were all interviewed.  It was literally like a comedy skit watching the whole thing.

There were a few missed opportunities in which the narcissist slipped in their criticisms.  Usually I come down hard on myself for not saying anything.  I really didn't have much regret for holding back. It happens so fast that you just don't know what hit you.  This person is so smooth with their digs.  Especially if they are in their nice phase. They act sweet, kind as if they actually might have feelings and then just when you let your guard down, they sneak in with little digs to test the waters.  Depending on the response they begin to escalate.

I have two words:  

Grey rock.

It is usually easier said than done but in this case. It wasn't difficult at all.  I already decided the boxing gloves were staying home.

 Opposed to the usual routine of turning into the wicked witch of the North, South, East and West, this person was eerily nice. 

I've done enough research to understand that this is nothing more than a tactic to attempt to keep me stuck in their venomous web.

There were a few moments where they started going in on what they perceive as my character flaws.  I just gave them my, well nothing.  I gave nothing.  I listened without listening while displaying my blank Stedford Wives stare.

Needless to say I am glad to be back home.  

Today Boss and I are attending an outdoor Celtic festival.  I do enjoy Celtic music to a degree.  This is more his speed than mine.  Culturally we are totally different.  I am more R&B, some Hip Hop, Old School, Jazz, Classical. My musical palate is actually quite eclectic.  However, I was brought up on R&B Soul and Motown.  

Boss is a folkie.  Folk, Bluegrass and artists like Odetta, Pete Seeger and Joan Baez scrambles his playlist.  We have introduce each other to various sounds that broadened our listening pleasure. He's turned me into a Judy Collins lover as I've introduced him to Prince. And of course we both love Van Morrison.

Today is going to be a pretty long day for the both of us but I do look forward to getting out for a bit.  Sundays are my favorite days for relaxing and making the most of the Chill Day.  Although I usually do a good amount of writing and or reading on Sunday, today is going to be our day to enjoy the outdoors and good music.

SOUTHEN CALI

It is coming up on the annual wellness meeting for my dad.  This is the meeting that all caregivers have to attend even though I am not the main caregiver.

Needless to say I am not looking forward to it. Not to be the deadbeat son, but I can care less about going to Southern Cali anymore.  

The fact that I have been painted as the deadbeat,  been gaslit into thinking that I'm problematic, called names, yelled at, and disrespected by the narcissist has made me totally check out.  

In no way am I checking out on my dad (although he's no walk in the park either.) I'm done with the bullshit that comes with dealing with this person.  

No one else stands up to this person.  No one else tells this person what they need to hear. Even if they did it wouldn't change their behavior.  

They try it with me.  Sometimes I don't have the energy and just give in.  Sometimes I tell myself this person is not going to get away with this madness on my watch and match their level of crazy.  What I have learned is that does nothing but makes me exhausted.  There is no competing with a this person's crazy.  

Lately I have chosen another alternative.  Speak my truth and give them the space to accept it or not.  If the person chooses to escalate, I cut it off right at the beginning and let them know I will not engage in this fuckery.  

Fortunately I will only be there for one day.  I am flying out the day prior and coming back a few hours after the meeting.  I am not staying any longer than I have to.

I will be there for my dad the best that I can.  I will help this person out to the best of my ability but I don't take orders from them.  I am not an employee and I will not be disrespected.  

I'm not bringing my boxing gloves to this place.  I am just not going to engage any longer. However, disengaging does not mean not saying what needs to be said. 

AURALISM: ANAL BEADS FOR ZERO

 Zero knew what was in store when I told him to recite what the pink hanky is for.

Blindfolded, I put ear plugs in his ears and turned up the music to throw him off. Slowly working the anal beads in and out, I would increase the size causing a symphony of moaning.

HOW IT’S GOING

 So this is my day so far. 

I undoubtedly love the interaction with kinky like-minded men.