DEAD INSIDE

 LINK: THE SCARS

I hate when guys break off communication.  I hate it even worse when it was them that initiated conversation to begin with.  

I really should have witnessed the warning signs from the beginning.  The high praise, The placing me on a pedi stool, the inability to come "out of character" and just see me as Mark as opposed to Daddy or Sir.

What I find more often than not is this facade of being interested in connection and engagement but really they just want to be sexed in a way that would get them off.  Sometimes it's just a "wham bam" kind of thing.  Other times the "Friendship" can go on for years before you realize that they are just getting what they want from you and once the situation changes, and they are not receiving what they want at the capacity they are used to, they go radio silent.

When I was making trips to Southern California, there was a bate buddy that I would chat with on my drive to and back.  We talked about everything from our relationships to family stuff and day to day living.

Although our contact was long distance, I felt like we were great support systems for each other.  I strongly believe what changed was the situations going on in my life that put me in a non playful mood.  

When asked how a person is, there is the superficial bullshit and there is the real answer.  We kept it real 100%.  But when the answer is always "Horny," (And that always meant they wanted to bate either by phone or video) it got old.  Maybe my need for connection got old for him.

I know what it is like to be a needy bitch.  I have had plenty of people like that in my life.  It is draining.  I have been one of those needy bitches as well.   And I know that those demands can quickly drive a person away.  

That is why I try not to overstep another person's boundaries and space because I both know how it feels to be pestered and how devastating to a relationship to be the pest. 

This, in my opinion however, was more like the whole fantasy thing I continually bitch about. Everybody wants Daddy Scruff but will "tolerate" Mark until they are totally bored with him.

I would say that this really got me fucked up but I'm dead inside. lol

That's a serious cap! 

I feel.  

I feel deeply.

(Maybe too deeply.) 

But I can't deny that there has been plenty of numbing from this constant exposure to this behavior.

So, I won't say I'm dead inside.  Just in a deep coma.

PRETTY ACTIVE TIME

 I met this sexy Latino with short brown wavy hair and piercing light blue eyes. 

 

I saw him laying on his bed, ass up with the door cracked open. He was most definitely a cum dump.

My room was right across from his. Yes I rented a room. I had even taken my prep a few hours earlier.

When you're horny, you're horny! 

The fact that I was willing to go through a phase where my stomach was queasy and I felt like I would foam at the mouth like Cujo

says a lot about my state of horniness.  For the record I refrained from foaming at the mouth. I figured it wouldn't be the best look for the occasion.

I really had no expectations, however.  I mainly figured I'd get a room for the heck of it and whatever was going to happen would happen.

 His ass was calling me to his room.  He was a very nice guy.  Friendly and engaging.  It was at this point I noticed those eyes of his. He had just gotten there.  I was to be his first load.

I actually liked this!  I have tried sloppy 5ths  and 7ths with The Nurse.   Now I get to be the first in a line of guys.  I actually invited him back to my room as I had the Queen sized room with the mirror on the wall.

If you have never watched yourself fuck someone or get your booty busted in front of a mirror, you have not lived.  The very first time I saw myself in front of a mirror, I was getting fucked.  I'm tight of course, and he was big.  I kid you not, when he put us in front of that mirror and he made me look up as he violated me from behind,  it was like my hole opened up and swallowed his dick.  I never felt as sexy as watching my pussy being pounded with that hot guy on top of me. (Tent instantly pitched while writing this.)

I wanted to share that moment with him as well. 

I placed us right in front of the mirror.  

Yeah he was moaning like mad and he even made a few attempts to kiss me while I plowed into him.  For some reason he kept his eyes closed.  

I get it. 

There are many times when I need sensory deprivation to help me focus better on being open. But damn.  It would have been nice to have seen him in awe of how sexy he looked in that position. 

Good news for me.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching my dick go in and out of his butthole as I slammed into him.  It took a while but I did cum inside him.  I was privileged enough to be his first load. 

Usually after one big load it takes me a while to recuperate.  Often times I am done.  Apparently I was more horny than I thought.  I was actually on the prowl for more action.

I dug into the area where the van lays.  There were two White guys that were stroking each other and a Black guy with a hairy chest. None of the above were interested so I stroked my dick until a guy no taller than 5'4 knelt in front of me and took me down to the base. For a little guy he had a pretty deep throat.

As I was being pleasured, there was a short stocky Mexican guy with a mustache observing our activities.  He had to have been in his late forties or so. 

He was stroking his dick. We continued the eye contact until I motioned him over. He stood on the bench and performed somewhat of a standing straddle in font of me.  

The positioning went:

I was sitting on the bench, 5’4” was in on his knees blowing me while Mexican guy with a mistache was straddled in front of me feeding me his dick.

There was a euphoric rush as I was in the middle of being orally pleasured and pleasuring someone. The rush intensified as Mexican Guy came in my mouth.

Usually I am either the Dom stud ready to fuck and annihilate every hole in sight or I just want to be the cumslut on my knees taking dick down my throat like a whore. 

Tonight I'm more binary.

I am down for pleasure in all forms. There is no role nor position that suits me. I am a horny dude getting my rocks off tonight.

I get in the shower to wash off.

About ten minutes later 

I see the Mexican Guy.  I ask to play with it.  He lets me know that he believes he's done.  He doubts that he will get up.  I look at him for the okay any way.  He smiles and gestures.  He has his doubt but he's like,"Fuck it!  If you want to try, knock yourself out."

And try, I do.

I get on my knees and begin to suck his flaccid penis.  I don't even need it hard.  I just want to be on my knees tasting his delicious cock as he looks down at me.

He begins to swell once again. We revisit the area with the fuck van.  He sits on the bench and I get on my knees.  I request for him to stand as I enjoy it much better when a guy stands over me feeding his dick.  The power dynamic is much sexier.  I feel like the cocksucker I long to be when a guy dominates my throat.  

He pumps and pump until he explodes again in my mouth.  I swallow with no hesitation.

I shoot my load on the ground leaving a puddle on the floor.  I wipe up as much as possible so no one will slip from my mess.

Possibly ten minutes later.

I walk the halls and the facility seeing where to go next.  The next fifteen minutes or so are spent with guys looking through me as if I were invisible, or altogether giving me the eye roll.  

Okay. That's more like it! Now I know I'm at the right place! This is the treatment that I have come to expect from this place. 

I go back to my room not moved by the last few minutes of stupidity but the victory of getting a good run for my money.  Finally.

I was just going to pack my stuff up to leave when I hear the Latino with the pretty eyes getting pounded to oblivion.  He's moaning rather loud and I hear the flesh slapping against each other.  He's really taking it.

The door is open enough to be able to watch and enjoy the action.  He's getting busted by a thin Asian top.  This guy is showing no mercy.  He is giving it to him good. I feel myself swell up again.  I walk in and quietly wait as he finishes.  Not long after I walk in he steps aside to offer me a piece. I so graciously accept. 

I grab his hips and begin to plow. 

One more time for the road. I leave my deposit in his hole.  

Three times coming is enough for me.  I get my stuff and go home.

This account is so much a contradiction of WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT that I decided not to add this on to that post.  I feel that it would have just confused the whole message of why I usually stay the fuck away from that place and taking that the post is part of the milestone THE EXODUS would have drawn more confusion.  I still stand on every word I said previously.  Do better White people!

TODAY’S PICK: stroke15

Link: TODAY’S PICK

My last post was in reference to my less than active play time either with someone else or by myself. As of late, I have taken the opportunity to discover self pleasure all over again. 

Stroke 15 from THE MASTURBATION CHRONICLES  takes me to my reintroduction to self pleasure and masturbation. 

I had just as much fun documenting it as the participation itself.

WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT

 LINK: THE EXODUS

              June 22, 2025

                         Sunday

I won't say that it has been awhile since I've hooked up with someone.  It has been fairly recent.  

There was The Nurse that I bred earlier this month. There were a few guys that I sucked off and swallowed  their loads.  I just haven't gotten around to writing about them.  Most recently there is my time at the place with the fuck van.

It is usually so rare that I would go there.  That environment is usually one of the most uninviting places for Black men I have been to.  They simply don't like us.  There is no pussy footing around that topic.  One of the main reasons I stay away from that place is how they go out of their way to avoid us.  

I get it.

We all have our preferences.  But the tribalism and exclusivity reeks there.

Usually.

I will stress the word "usually" to be fair.

My last time there was an astonishingly "so-so"exception.  

 

I bred this hot Latino cum dump, got sucked off while I sucked off this other guy.  Altogether it was pretty eventful for that place.  The desire to "look" just hasn't been there, however.

I go through these times when I wonder if my tools are even working properly as I can go weeks without sex or even masturbating.  What I realize is that life consumes a lot of my playtime.  Taking care of Boss's needs, dealing with my dad's needs and the pressures and demands of a specific family member that feels like I need to be more involved in helping take care of my father even though he is approximately four hundred and twenty four miles away from me is a lot.  

I'm not complaining.  But I am saying I told this person that keeping him in Southern California and moving there was not going to be easy for anyone of us.  

Although painted like the deadbeat son, I know I am doing my best.  The additional six thousand miles that I put on my car from January to now reminds me of that.

Again, I don't mind doing what needs to be done.  But being berated when I don't jump to every whim has gotten old and it is pushing me away from this person.

  

There was a time that I would bend over backwards  to make the peace. I just didn't want to waken the beast.  I would make whatever sacrifices needed to be made to try not to make this person angry. 

Now I am over it.  You want to act a fool, act a fool by your own damn self.  I will not reward anyone with attention for their negative behavior.  

Something this person never expected coming from me:  When this person decided to go off on me on the day my husband was in the hospital, knowing that I was dealing with a lot, I interrupted this person  and told them, "I am disengaging in this conversation now," and hung up.

I am leaning to set my boundaries.  

Yes this person was livid. 

That's not my problem.

Respect my boundaries and there would be no reason to be livid.

I'm sure what has been going on is affecting my mood for play time as well.

That is fine also.

There is a time for every thing and when the time comes, it will come.  

WEDGIE TIME

Wedgie time.

First time trying.

I don't know. 

Maybe. 🤷🏽

PRETTY MUCH

LINK:  THE EXODUS

June 29, 2025

Sunday

It's Sunday morning.  Sunday: my day of rest and

writing.  I have my dad with me this week.  This is his first visit since his change in his health.  Needless to say it has been busy.  

I have taken this time to add to my journal.  Days with my dad, I get writing in whenever possible.  It may be my only outlet for hours.  Because of the nature of the needs of my father as well as Boss that is having his share of physical difficulties, I will write whenever I have time.  Even if it means finishing this entry one sentence every other hour.

This time has allowed somewhat of a relief from the addiction of social media which isn't really all that social to begin with.

The last few days have been peaceful from the doomscrolling.  Though it is important to know what is going on (every day seems to lie something new, often worthy of the term doomscrolling) the psychological break is well needed.

I haven't even checked my Telegram in a while. I still have some video links and articles to read that Logan has sent me.  I will definitely get to them. Most likely later than sooner but I will do my best to get to them.

I just haven't had the time to get involved.  With the exception of Logan and one other, I just haven't had much incentive to get involved in the distraction.

I received messages on Scruff a few days ago.

One of the guys sent me a message wanting to hook up.

"Right now I have some things going on that will make me unavailable for getting together."

His response, "How so?"

None of his fucking business, how so! 

This is not elementary school.  I don't need a hall pass to clear why I'm not going to do something.  I'm just not.

I didn't even respond to him.

After two days of not hearing from me, he responded with, "Lame," and apparently blocked me.  

Good. 

I don't like sticking my dick in assholes anyway.  Give me an asshole but do away with the assholes.

Another guy I've been chatting with seems nice enough I guess.  After a few days of not hearing from me, he messaged me.  

"Guess you're ghosting me now."

I replied, "No I'm not ghosting you.  My dad is visiting and he requires a lot of my attention."

I continued,"I'm going to be honest. I have a lot going on right now. The last thing I’m worried about is ass right now.  A friend would be great.  A mutual support, fantastic!  Friends that occasionally play with each other, Yes!  But empty sex?  No.

I'm not looking for a boyfriend.  I have a wonderful husband who understands I enjoy meeting others occasionally.  But I'm pretty much done with sex without some kind of connection."

There.

I said it out loud.  

I'm pretty much done with empty hook ups.  So what happens when the moon is full and I turn into a hairy slut wolf looking for a Bukkakke Cumshake?

Key phrase: Pretty much.

MANOPAUSE

 

By the time I decide to grow a full beard, the hair on my head will most likely be totally white.

Believe it or not, I am still on my clean shaven journey. This is actually stubble.  

The cool part of going “clean shaven” is giving leeway for a little growth and still style with various looks without major work and clean up.  I do miss Sasquatch sometimes. But I also like the smooth baby's butt look as well. 

Speaking of change, I’ve come to the conclusion: I’m going through Manopause. Not menopause. Manopause. 

Bitch! I’m changing!

My hair’s turning white.  My beard is turning white. I’m having delayed orgasms.  When I do cum, the flow isn’t as heavy nor does it have that oomph like it did, hell, a month ago. It’s getting a little harder to hold my pee. I mean I am running with one second to spare.

But I’m still enjoying my fifties. 

Laugh if you wish. But the hardest part for me is not my bladder emergencies.  It’s not the change in my orgasms.  It’s not the fact that anon sex just won’t hit the same anymore for me. ( I know I’m a hardcore demisexual. Always have been and even more as I get older.)

It’s this gray hair. 

Yep.

This gray hair is fucking with me. 

Like those white dudes who are balding. They will take their last strand of hair and wrap it around their entire head to save the illusion.

My situation may seem a little less extreme as all I really need to do is dye it.  But Fuck!  I know the truth!  I don't know what is worse: Covering up the aging process, knowing the fraudulence or witnessing the deterioration of what's left of youth that is pretty much on the end of its life support. 

I'm not quite ready to pull the plug yet. There are some natural remedies I am going to try. Ahh fuck it! I'm turning gray bitch! It's just going to happen.

My mother came over yesterday and was like,"Boy! (No matter how old I get, I will always be 'boy' to her.)  Those

gray hairs are showing!" 

"Thanks Mom!" I say sarcastically.

"How old are you now? 54?"

"Yes, Mom." rolling my eyes with all the energy left in my slowly decaying body.

"Yeah. You are definitely getting up there!"

"Again. Thank you!"

As if she didn't get the hint the first time.

The unique thing is getting older doesn't really freak me out.  White hair? Well, that is another subject.