Summer 1997
1997. This is before I had anal sex with any man.
Although my first official encounter with a man was back in 92, when the guy known as MY FIRST showed me, how to suck dick.
This period was way before my sexual development.
1993 is the year that I went to church with a friend of mine, became interested in learning more about God, life and myself. I began Bible studies and became an official member of the church, leading me on a spiritual journey.
I don't really talk about my spiritual walk or my time in the church on this blog for the simple fact that I hold that journey to be a sacred one. Even though there were some challenging times during this period (1993 - 2001) and I don't practice my faith like when I was in the fellowship, that chapter is still a very sacred part of me. Therefore, that is a place I rarely go on this blog.
I bring this rare occasion up, because it ties in to the story at hand.
It was 1997.
It was a summer day. I was 26 years old. The weather was warm but not overbearing; a perfect time of the day to go for a walk.
It is not uncommon for me to go out, walk and catch some nice warm sun, especially taking that I used to live less than 10 minutes away from the river access.
Although at the time I didn't have a car, the river access was no more than a 10 minute walk from the house I was living in.
There is a trail that I would walk with friends of mine from the church. We spent a lot of time on those trails talking, praying, even hashing out our disagreements together. It was a trail that
I've walked many times with my fellow brothers, as well as many times I've walked alone.
One afternoon, I was making my way through the trail. I walked down a path going towards the river.
As I found myself walking through the shrubs, I saw a person about 20 feet away from me. I paid this person no attention at first because I just saw him as just another person walking through the shrubbery getting to the river access. As I continued, I noticed him staring at me.
I looked back, smiled and said hi as I went on about my business.
I noticed as I was walking sounds of footsteps behind me. They were not majorly close, but close enough to hear the bustling of the bushes. I turned around it was the gentleman. Although I knew it wasn't uncommon for people to reach for a similar destination by the river, there were the concerns for my safety taking that I was in a place that makes it hard to see if something were to happen.
Without making my behavior too conspicuous, I picked up the pace and turned left. He turned right into a cul de sac of bushes.
I turned around slightly relieved that he wasn't following me. I saw him more and more into the distance as I migrated away from him.
He was still staring at me.
I found that quite strange behavior. My emotions transitioned from being nervous about my safety to an actual curiosity as it appeared as though he was
signaling me to come over. The gesture wasn't obvious but just enough. My curiosity was sparked.
I started walking back to where he was. As the vision became clearer, I saw him standing there with his penis out. It was very hard. He was holding it. He wasn't stroking it, much. (very slowly) but he was holding it while looking at me. I was totally shocked. I was thinking to myself, "What the heck is going on?"
I have never seen anything like this in public in my life. I was stuck between confused, somewhat disturbed, and even turned on. I found myself more disturbed and confused than anything. I walked away, to turn back towards the main road. I actually decided to walk back. He was still there with this penis out, looking at me. I stayed there for about probably 60 seconds to a minute and a half just watching him as he looked at me. I then turned around and I left that place as fast as I could.
There was so much that was going through my head:
"Why in the hell would he do something like that? Why was he looking at me?"
And then there was the disgust that someone would actually do something like that in public. There was also the disgust that I actually liked what I saw. I was captivated, and it did disgust me. It disgusted me because I was on my walk. Not just any casual kind of walk by the river, but I was on another walk.
I was on a journey. It had been very difficult, but also a rewarding journey. A spiritual walk.
Yeah, I was a church boy. But I was more than just a church boy. I was truly on a mission to be the best me I could be. Sometimes what my flesh wanted went against what the doctrine taught me, and it did cause battles. It did leave scars. Even 30 years later. That is perfectly alright because I'm much more mature now. But I still have such a long way to go.
I understand the importance of knowing what my own personal walk looks like.
At the time, it was a challenge trying to understand the difference between my spiritual walk and my sexual journey and understanding that often the two would clash. Even today I cannot say the two are reconciled. But I do know that even though I find great pleasure in writing about my sexcapades, I love photographing artistic male nudes, I love BDSM and Kink, It does not feed my soul. If I'm being really honest it is nothing more than a pleasurable distraction. The real peace is listening to that still small voice that is most powerful than anything I can think of.
For me it is a matter of learning balance.
I believe the days of being the good church boy are over. But I also know I'm not trying to be a heathen neither.
Time reveals.
