Needless to say I am not looking forward to it. Not to be the deadbeat son, but I can care less about going to Southern Cali anymore.
The fact that I have been painted as the deadbeat, been gaslit into thinking that I'm problematic, called names, yelled at, and disrespected by the narcissist has made me totally check out.
In no way am I checking out on my dad (although he's no walk in the park either.) I'm done with the bullshit that comes with dealing with this person.
No one else stands up to this person. No one else tells this person what they need to hear. Even if they did it wouldn't change their behavior.
They try it with me. Sometimes I don't have the energy and just give in. Sometimes I tell myself this person is not going to get away with this madness on my watch and match their level of crazy. What I have learned is that does nothing but makes me exhausted. There is no competing with a this person's crazy.
Lately I have chosen another alternative. Speak my truth and give them the space to accept it or not. If the person chooses to escalate, I cut it off right at the beginning and let them know I will not engage in this fuckery.
Fortunately I will only be there for one day. I am flying out the day prior and coming back a few hours after the meeting. I am not staying any longer than I have to.
I will be there for my dad the best that I can. I will help this person out to the best of my ability but I don't take orders from them. I am not an employee and I will not be disrespected.
I'm not bringing my boxing gloves to this place. I am just not going to engage any longer. However, disengaging does not mean not saying what needs to be said.
Toxic people can be exhausting if you let them. They will attempt to steam roll you at every turn if you let them. Unfortunately, there are times when that confrontation is unavoidable. My personal best defense is simply the word NO. No lengthy explanation, no attempt to defend my position. Just no and walk away. Easier said than done, I know. But it gives you a power and hopefully deflates many their comebacks simply because of your refusal to engage. You seem to have developed your own way to handle it these unavoidable encounters. Just stick to your guns and you will come out on the other side with some peace of mind knowing you dealt with it as best you could. We may not always win every battle, but you have maintained your sanity throughout the process.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your advice. It is definitely noted. I love when you said say no and walk away. No explanation . No need to defend. just walk away. That is the best thing for me to do. It has been pretty easy since most of our conversations are over the phone. Face to face is much harder especially the way this person contends and push. But yes I am going to follow this to the tee. At least I am going to do my best. The less contact I have the better. But I am not going to cower . This person is used to me giving in just to shut them up. It is a very thin line. But yes I will take your advice.
DeleteMoving over to disengaging is a rough one but it's one you can definitely pull off.
ReplyDeleteIt is something I’m learning more and more to do. This no easy task for me. Because it requires the capacity to play certain games. Disengaging is more than pulling away and setting your boundaries. Even though It does send a clear message to the narcissist, the effect of what is said still, effects the listener. But thank you for your confidence in me. And yes I know I can pull it off. I just hate the game of being the calm one being the logical one that doesn't get to jump up and down like a fool and scream at the top of my lungs. Sometimes I just want to give them a taste of their own crazy so that they know how I feel. But I already know that is just giving them exactly what they want. That is is what they crave most. So I'm going to keep working on my boundaries and disengaging when the go crazy.
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